I'm
tired. And I don't know why. I'm bored. And I don't know how I should tackle
that. I'm worried, because I'm used to it. I'm low, because I just CAN'T help
it.
I'm
clueless. After having spent two filthy years constantly talking and thinking
about 'marks', 'results' and 'ranks' my brain is starting to retaliate. I need
a break. I need to unwind. I need a place not polluted by wretched people and
their money making schemes. In the past two years, I believe I've withered- as
a person. I've deteriorated. My talent has begun to rust. Ofcourse it's not
important, because you can't measure talent in terms of marks. You can't assign
ranks to talent. You can't say "Mr. A is a talent topper and Mr. Z failed
in talent." It is quite humorous though that 'topper' is not a word that
exists in the Oxford. It's only a matter of personal convenience. 'Bottomer'
would be a nice antonym to go with it, wouldn't it?
If I say
I haven't painted in two years, you'd laugh.
"Why
is that so important?" You might ask.
Ironically,
I wouldn't have the energy to explain.
I long to
prop myself on my bed with a novel and read till I've exhausted every library
in the world. But ofcourse, shouldn't I be spending that time over Physics
problems?
I crave
to feel the hundreds of tiny grooves that run all over a basketball. The
muffled scratching of my pencil as it romances the paper as I pour out my life
through it. The smooth strokes of my paintbrush that caress the canvass as I
add colour to my black and white story. My Utopia.
How does
one vent the frustration?
The
pillow? Too soft. The walls? To weak. Tears? Limited.
Maybe I
need to go deep-sea diving. Or on a mission to outer space. Oh I just need to
get away from humanity.
I've had
enough of dying in life...for once, I yearn to LIVE life.
The
agression stems only from the knowledge, that NO ONE inderstands. I need
someone to draw courage from, as the courage in me is fast dying. I want some
one to say "Fuck the rest of the world, I'll see you through."
All I
need to progress in life, is security. Make me believe it's garden so I can
shut my eyes and walk through the Sahara. Make me believe my parachute will
open at the exactly the right time as I jump off a plane. Tell me that there
WILL be someone to hold me even as I fall.
I want to
make mistakes. I want to make them on my own. I wish to learn my own lessons,
not to be spoon fed.
"This
is right, this is wrong"
No,
thanks.
I'll figure
it out myself. Experimentation is the path to discovery. I take my life lessons
seriously. I've been reprimanded, even hated for my mistakes. Only if there was
someone to love me for the lessons I drew from each of them.
I have immense faith in the Almighty and His
plans for my future. All I need, is a hand that I can hold on to as I face the
unknown. I'm not afraid of what lies ahead. I'm just afraid to face it alone.
Give me a hand and a hug- and watch me tranform into Hulk!
