MBBS-1

3 subjects. 6 papers. 9 days.

They told us it wouldn't be easy. They didn't tell us it would be this hard.

I walked out of college on the 22nd of July with a crisp hall-ticket tucked inside my bag, a motivational speech playing inside of my head. Yes, I was to appear for my 1st year Medical Examinations in less than 24 hours. Exams are challenging. I like them more because they are insightful, show you where you stand. This however was my pre-Med School ideology and I knew so little.

Rule #1 for clearing Med Exams: Kick sleep of out of the window and stack up on caffeine. Time is of the essence and you need to make sacrifices to buy it. Need to perfect the art of optimizing every passing hour and making it productive. The body wont like it. It'll begin to shut down your cognizance and each fibre will demand rest. Brew coffee, splash water, shut the drama and restart.

I've worked for 20 hours each day, for 10 days straight now. A simple voice saying 'fight, you're stronger than this.'

I had successfully coped with sleep issues for the first two papers- Biochemistry 1 and 2.

But if it was meant to be easy, it would not be called life.

It began as a little swelling in my otic canal. Before I knew, I was taken down by migraine followed by a ear ache that seemed to be ripping holes through my ear drum. Anatomy paper 1 one was sure to spell doom. The pain never subsided, and after handing out my answersheet for the day, I thought I was to collapse. Funnily, I couldn't even make time to visit the the doctor. I simply popped an antibiotic and smothered my ear with Soframycin. It was time for paper 2.

Antibiotics induce sleep. Don't we all know that? So yes, my second paper was to go down the drain too!

The anibiotic did what it was supposed to do, it relieved me of the pain. I just wont be able to guage the collateral damage I've suffered until I have my results in my hand.

Now with the pain subsided and my normal nocturnal cycle re-established, I had every reason to look forward to my favourite subject- Physiology.

Paper 1 was smooth as silk. A decent question paper, one that I did justice to. I think I smiled in response to a question paper for the first time. "Omg there was SO much to write! It just went on and on and on!"

There. I jinxed it. Life went "Aww, let's get your hand some rest sweety."

At 12:30am that night, I fractured my right wrist.

Hit it into a door bolt while making it out of my mom's room in utter darkness. Couldn't even yelp.

I decided it wouldn't be so bad and dismissed it...until I picked up a pencil to mark out an important line.

I could barely hold it.

The next two hours saw me sitting with ice-packs in one hand and a book in another. Desperately trying to train my hand into dexterity. Blue, swollen hands aren't the best of omens.

By 5 in the morning though, the ice seemed to have brought down the swelling. The pain only aggravated with forceful movements. I could just barely hold on to a pen.

Then Life belted out another joke.

Q. No 1: "Define Pain. Describe the pathway for pain sensation with a neat diagram."

Was I to laugh or cry or what?

I finished the entire exam. Still amazes me how, because even now my hand appears bruised. Because even now, this post is a left hand type out.

The last 10 days have left me fuzzled. I have bean bags beneath my eyes that could easily lodge a sleeping baby. My sleep cycles have been thrown haywire and the night seems to have lost it's sleep inducing effects.

But I feel relieved. I know that when I finally fall asleep, I will not have amino acids, livers and brains floating in my dreams.

Exams are challenging. They show you where you stand. And Iam glad with where I do. Irrespective of the outcome of these examinations, Iam proud of all that I achieved- even before I entered the exam hall each day.

3 subjects. 6 papers. 9 days. DONE.

*yawn*

Nida Fatima, aged 19.

"OMG you're nineteen! That's big! You should celebrate, got any plans for tonight?"
"Uhmmm, 2 minute silence maybe?"

That came out spontaneously, at the drop of a hat. Why did everybody sound so excited about my 'last teen year' when I frankly couldn't care less? Birthdays are meant for people who believe their life is worth celebrating. Mine deserves a 2 minute silence. I've dealt with more losses than triumphs, have had more of scars than therapy and I've fought more than my 1.5kg brain weight could endure. I do not see year nineteen being an improvement over that either. So yes, I put my head down and stay shut for 2 minutes, in remembrance of the Nida that once was. The Nida that was loved. The Nida that was butchered to a cause unknown.

No, I didn't fight heroic battles and I'm sure as hell incapable of doing that. My losses were self-borne and my scars, self inflicted. God created man in a mould of perfection and all things nice. Negativity was the ingredient we added on our own. We garnished ourselves with morbidity, leaving behind a dish we dare not taste. For all those medals and trophies in my cupboard, those laminated certificate albums and those monthly pay cheques, I feel as under-accomplished as a scrap of torn paper. A scrap torn from a sheet that was once whole. Does any of this account for a celebration?


~But I'll find repose in new ways, though I haven't slept in two days.
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.~
This, I shall. I'll find my repose, I'll find my way out of it. Just as I am incapable of heroism, I am incapable of giving up. And this spirit was born out of a promise that a Book made to me:
"Surely with difficulty is ease, with difficulty surely is ease" [94: 5,6]
A comforter like no other.

I will be 23 days into year 19 when I sit for my first year Medical Examinations. Hardwork has never intimidated me, and challenges like these give me a real kick. So I am going to channel all my energies into doing what almost hundred people asked me to do: "Make your last teen year count!"
I am leaving my losses far behind in order to plunge myself for bigger gains. Wouldn't want to take that leap of faith with my feet tied with ropes of regret. Science has a beautiful way of teaching us that. If the heart goes into failure, little structures placed in our blood vessels take up responsibilty for setting it right. When that fails, miraculous tiny molecules of hormones take charge. When they go down, the kidneys play their final stroke and viola! That fist-sized heart is pumping gaily again!
Giving up was not an option our bodies gave us. So much happens inside of us just to get that one breath in perfect timing. And to think we never realize it!

My last teen will not be a fantasy. It'll be the way life is meant to be. I will lose, I may win and year 20 will come along in the blink of an eyelid.
But then one person came along and told me "Friends are like flowers, they brighten your day."
As long as life allows me to brighten up someone's day, I shall keep going. As long as life hands out such trivial joys and simple pleasures, I shall keep going.