I made it through. I made it out of a place where I had once
lain devastated. I made it out of days that threatened to storm over the house
of cards that I had been. I made it through a time when no way out had seemed
possible. In three hundred and sixty five days, I have converted every loss
into a lesson of much, much greater value. I DID IT. Alhumdulillah.
But like everything in the universe, the alchemy that
converts losses into lessons comes at a price. And today I stand tall, not
because I believe I have won, but because I have been able to find the courage
to pay any price that was demanded of me, without negotiation. Every second that
I resisted falling apart, every temptation I turned my face away from stemmed
from the courage emanating from one single word: HasbiAllah. Allah is enough
for me. Should there ever have been any doubt?
As I compose this post, I realize that it is not the
conclusions I’m concerned about. In harmony with the very title of my blog, I
want this post to take me back. Back in those days- not because I want to feel
afresh all that pain, but because I want laugh right in it’s face. Laugh,
because those losses hurt no more. Laugh, because it couldn’t stop me. Laugh, because
this is a celebration.
I have taken some terrible beatings, I’ve inflicted some of
them myself. On the bright side, I do not regret any part of it. All the
wretchedness that stayed with me in year 19, all that bubbling fire of disgust
and loathing directed towards myself was justified. It only didn’t arise
earlier in life because of the blinds of ignorance drawn over my eyes. Ripping
them off was a white-hot stab of realization, quenched yet again by one belief:
HasbiAllah. And gluing my tattered spirit with that belief, I decided it was
time for some radical change. Those changes came, bit by puny bit, and
consolidated into reforms. They were changes that demanded me to let go when
required and to embrace when needed. Changes that were to be made not to please
the world, but to seek the pleasure of the One who is the fountainhead of all
strength within me. I needed Him by my side; He who is the source of all Mercy.
Closure. That is the one thing I reached out for and snatched from life this year. No re-considerations, no second thoughts, only the knowledge that the further I would drag, the more bruises I would end up with. Any chick-flick will tell you that "letting go" is the hardest part of Life. You'd be surprised just how easy it really is. All it takes is ONE conscious decision: I'm done.
Everything else plays out automatically...HasbiAllah of course! I've chased closure for over a year now. Chased it because I believed it was the analgesic I needed. I chased it because I needed protection from the faces that I could no longer recognize. I begged for closure because the faces were there to stay, leaving me no choice but to strengthen my resolve and harden my spirit.
Telling yourself that "it doesn't hurt" is as unexplainable and as miraculous as hitting the side of the computer to make it work. You don't see the logic behind it, you only see that it works. It restores functionality. The easiest way to let pain win is to acknowledge its presence. Deny it that honour and it retreats for good.
But hold up! Slapping the side of the computer ain't no permanent solution. Some day you will have to unscrew it, disassemble it and fix the glitch within. That day closure will walk right into you. To me, it came under the garb of a text message, recognizable only by the fact that it had no effect on me. None whatsoever. No spite, no malice and no unrest. I faced it as calmly as I face the monotony of daily life. It was a chapter I was meant to close. With that, I fixed the glitch. I turned over the last page of a story that spanned four beautiful years.
Clutching tightly onto this secret victory, I walked ahead, this time with extreme precaution. I trained my mind to sense danger, extra sensitive to that which endangered my Faith. I did not need any fiascoes tarnishing my life anymore. It was the path that had always existed, the only one I was meant to take but couldn't see. Now with all my distractions kicked to the curb and the unnecessities of Life dismissed, it was clear as daylight. There is the image of a person I want to be, the person I want to die as. I am not what I have been called, I'm not what I have been rejected for. I'm better than my flaws and I seek to prove it. Last year was merely the placing of a foundation stone, this year imma build upon it, Allah willing.
I had barely climbed out of my place of hiding, preparing myself to a renewed way of life when it happened. The catastrophe that saw the collapse of all my belief in humanity, in virtue and in trust. Regret never really leaves you. If it did, it would serve no purpose. It has a way of making the person fragile, susceptible to harm. And when harm does strike in collaboration with regret, a sceptic is born. I was born (or should I say re-born?) like that. In all fairness, I had seen it coming. Even in the worst of days, my intuition never left my side. My instinct had always been my guide, my basis for distinguishing right from wrong…until I decided to muffle it and take what is erroneously called a ‘Leap of Faith.’ I took the leap and fell, and watched my faith go down with it too. THIS is the best lesson I carry with me from here on. Discard expectations from humans, especially those humans who make a claim for you to invest your trust in them. An honest person does not claim your trust- he gains it and up keeps it. And if you are willing to place your trust in a person, shed all expectations simultaneously. Trust and expectations can not co-exist in the sort of world we live in today. Once you put the two things in one place, you’ve made yourself liable to heavy losses. And what loss is heavier than the loss of faith? On that foundation, I intend to place the further milestones of my life. Expectation is the basis of disappointment. A broken promise hurts because of the ‘expectation’ to see it fulfilled. Words hurt because of the ‘expectation’ for them to be true. Developments you see around you hurt because they do not conform to your ‘expectations.’ In a time where promises are games and words are pawns, expectation is your check-mate. HasbiAllah: because from Him never comes disappointment.
On extrapolation, I taught myself one final lesson. Everybody has subjective standards. I measure virtue on a scale different from my neighbour's, my friend's or that of my family's. And I'm no believer in mediocrity. When I speak of honesty, I speak of it in the hightest terms. When I speak of loyalty, I impose the most stringent code for myself. When I speak of trust, I make even a hairline breach unforgivable. Problem?
Does. Not. Work. In. This. World.
And that takes me back to my vicious circle of expectations and disappointments. Of tawaqqo and of gila.
Closure. That is the one thing I reached out for and snatched from life this year. No re-considerations, no second thoughts, only the knowledge that the further I would drag, the more bruises I would end up with. Any chick-flick will tell you that "letting go" is the hardest part of Life. You'd be surprised just how easy it really is. All it takes is ONE conscious decision: I'm done.
Everything else plays out automatically...HasbiAllah of course! I've chased closure for over a year now. Chased it because I believed it was the analgesic I needed. I chased it because I needed protection from the faces that I could no longer recognize. I begged for closure because the faces were there to stay, leaving me no choice but to strengthen my resolve and harden my spirit.
Telling yourself that "it doesn't hurt" is as unexplainable and as miraculous as hitting the side of the computer to make it work. You don't see the logic behind it, you only see that it works. It restores functionality. The easiest way to let pain win is to acknowledge its presence. Deny it that honour and it retreats for good.
But hold up! Slapping the side of the computer ain't no permanent solution. Some day you will have to unscrew it, disassemble it and fix the glitch within. That day closure will walk right into you. To me, it came under the garb of a text message, recognizable only by the fact that it had no effect on me. None whatsoever. No spite, no malice and no unrest. I faced it as calmly as I face the monotony of daily life. It was a chapter I was meant to close. With that, I fixed the glitch. I turned over the last page of a story that spanned four beautiful years.
Clutching tightly onto this secret victory, I walked ahead, this time with extreme precaution. I trained my mind to sense danger, extra sensitive to that which endangered my Faith. I did not need any fiascoes tarnishing my life anymore. It was the path that had always existed, the only one I was meant to take but couldn't see. Now with all my distractions kicked to the curb and the unnecessities of Life dismissed, it was clear as daylight. There is the image of a person I want to be, the person I want to die as. I am not what I have been called, I'm not what I have been rejected for. I'm better than my flaws and I seek to prove it. Last year was merely the placing of a foundation stone, this year imma build upon it, Allah willing.
I had barely climbed out of my place of hiding, preparing myself to a renewed way of life when it happened. The catastrophe that saw the collapse of all my belief in humanity, in virtue and in trust. Regret never really leaves you. If it did, it would serve no purpose. It has a way of making the person fragile, susceptible to harm. And when harm does strike in collaboration with regret, a sceptic is born. I was born (or should I say re-born?) like that. In all fairness, I had seen it coming. Even in the worst of days, my intuition never left my side. My instinct had always been my guide, my basis for distinguishing right from wrong…until I decided to muffle it and take what is erroneously called a ‘Leap of Faith.’ I took the leap and fell, and watched my faith go down with it too. THIS is the best lesson I carry with me from here on. Discard expectations from humans, especially those humans who make a claim for you to invest your trust in them. An honest person does not claim your trust- he gains it and up keeps it. And if you are willing to place your trust in a person, shed all expectations simultaneously. Trust and expectations can not co-exist in the sort of world we live in today. Once you put the two things in one place, you’ve made yourself liable to heavy losses. And what loss is heavier than the loss of faith? On that foundation, I intend to place the further milestones of my life. Expectation is the basis of disappointment. A broken promise hurts because of the ‘expectation’ to see it fulfilled. Words hurt because of the ‘expectation’ for them to be true. Developments you see around you hurt because they do not conform to your ‘expectations.’ In a time where promises are games and words are pawns, expectation is your check-mate. HasbiAllah: because from Him never comes disappointment.
On extrapolation, I taught myself one final lesson. Everybody has subjective standards. I measure virtue on a scale different from my neighbour's, my friend's or that of my family's. And I'm no believer in mediocrity. When I speak of honesty, I speak of it in the hightest terms. When I speak of loyalty, I impose the most stringent code for myself. When I speak of trust, I make even a hairline breach unforgivable. Problem?
Does. Not. Work. In. This. World.
And that takes me back to my vicious circle of expectations and disappointments. Of tawaqqo and of gila.
People will get away with anything, it only takes the right (pseudo)words. Everything they say is a lie, unless proven otherwise. It's useless to fret. The key is to keep moving from one misfortune to next, taking everything in it's way with a pinch of salt. It is unfair, certainly, but not worth compromising the most exalted ideas to the vilest form of treachery.
I know I have traveled a long road to be where I am today.
But the pain that had accompanied me throughout seems to have gone. Now it’s
just an enveloping numbness, deviod of any feeling, except the absence of pain.
It took me 365 days to turn my life over by 360 degrees. Grief, despair,
depression, denial, fury and finally…calm. The calm that settles over a tribe
after battle, that which is the sum of joy and exhaustion. I choose to mark this day with the most satirical lines that come to my mind:
Kuch na tha toh Khuda tha, kuch na hota toh Khuda hota.
Duboya mujhko honi ne, na hota mein toh kya hota? ;)
“My last teen will not be a fantasy. It'll be the way life is meant to be. I will lose, I may win and year 20 will come along in the blink of an eyelid.”
Que sera sera: HasbiAllah. Hola year twenty!
