Since the moment I hit 'Post' for the previous write-up, I've been hanging off a thread. Since the 22nd of August, I have been living in the shadow of some impending doom, some tragedy. Simply put, I was waiting for my results. I was waiting for the NTR University of Health Sciences to pass a verdict on me and on my capabilities.
It took awfully long to do so.
And when it finally DID, I had no clue what to feel.
So on the 9th of October, phone calls from excited friends told me "you did awesome!"
I could not bring myself to believe a word.
With heightened anxiety and slightly quivering hands, I turned on my computer and headed straight for the official results website.
Error 404: Server Unavailable.
Dammit!
I was getting frantic by the second. For the next hour, I received congratulatory calls from my people, which I returned with polite thank yous. In reality, I had no clue.
One and half hour later, at 4:31pm, I saw.
Saying 'I saw' would be incorrect though. I just stared with unfocused eyes. As my vision hit my total score, my body froze but my mind began to race.
I could not bring myself to comprehend my marks individually. All I could understand was that it was the sum-total of one whole year's effort of simply trying to stay...afloat. No, it wasn't because I found it difficult to study. On the contrary, I LOVED it. I enjoyed my subjects and my study.
It wasn't the demand of hard work, it was the circumstances, that got the better of me.
So all I could do, was sit and stare while my head played it's movie in flashback. I will not be ashamed to admit that my throat went dry and eyes went wet. What did my mind want me to do? Rejoice because I notched a decent score, or dust those gladly forgotten recesses of memory and stir up a hornet's nest?
Bittersweet.
I took a breath and rubbed my eyes. I had been fighting for so long and the finish line was so close.
Finally, I saw.
Hmmmm. Not bad. Landed a few notches below expectations alright, but victory was mine.
And what was the loot from this battle? Distinction in 2 out of 3 subjects, one of them my favourite.
So while a part of me was chiding me for missing out on the third subject, every other sensibility wanted me to scream in joy.
I would have, if only the walls in my room could attach any significance to it.
So I sat down again; numb, cold and all alone.
Beep beep beep, the number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again later.
Mum was away and that had left me in the company of four beautifully stupid walls.
It was a weird day and had it not been for some 'get-your-mind-off-it talk' with a friend, I would have resorted to talking to my beautifully stupid walls. They have ears, I was told.
Like a scene from Bollywood movies, it had started to thunder and rain. I got up and walked out. I was not thinking. I mechanically carried out the actions of locking my door, walking out and starting my bike- just like Shahid Kapur in another Bollywood movie. Mentally, I was in another place, another movie.
Ice cold rain hit my face and lightning streaked the ink-blue evening sky. While people were running into the safety of bus stands, shops and stores, I hit main road. I loitered for one and half hour like that, on road, soaking wet. I remember waiting by my best friend's house for 10 minutes, never once thinking of going in. I wandered, destination unknown, just like Shahid.
It was late when I got home, and the constant downpour enveloped the city in an eerie sort of mood. I WANTED to feel better, I did not know how.
Called up my mother again, and this time she answered. Blankly, I gave out the details of my results, expecting a lukewarm response. Surprise surprise.
She was happy!
In all honesty, I had not seen that coming. But I'm glad it came, because now I knew what I could allow myself to feel. Too bad dear brain, you have to stop screening your movie.
Crazy day, that one. Crazier year.
I have stopped being furious at myself, one measly subject ain't vetoing my potential. I'm capable of being bigger and better. I would also like to point out, in my defense from myself, how much I HATE that one subject. Disgusting. Despicable. Dreadful and Dreary. Ewwww.
Yes, I feel so much better :P
At the end of the day, all said and done, I'm me. I bounce back with a Coefficient of Restitution equal to or greater than 1. Time for me to do just that.
Boing...boing....boing....boing...!
It took awfully long to do so.
And when it finally DID, I had no clue what to feel.
So on the 9th of October, phone calls from excited friends told me "you did awesome!"
I could not bring myself to believe a word.
With heightened anxiety and slightly quivering hands, I turned on my computer and headed straight for the official results website.
Error 404: Server Unavailable.
Dammit!
I was getting frantic by the second. For the next hour, I received congratulatory calls from my people, which I returned with polite thank yous. In reality, I had no clue.
One and half hour later, at 4:31pm, I saw.
Saying 'I saw' would be incorrect though. I just stared with unfocused eyes. As my vision hit my total score, my body froze but my mind began to race.
I could not bring myself to comprehend my marks individually. All I could understand was that it was the sum-total of one whole year's effort of simply trying to stay...afloat. No, it wasn't because I found it difficult to study. On the contrary, I LOVED it. I enjoyed my subjects and my study.
It wasn't the demand of hard work, it was the circumstances, that got the better of me.
So all I could do, was sit and stare while my head played it's movie in flashback. I will not be ashamed to admit that my throat went dry and eyes went wet. What did my mind want me to do? Rejoice because I notched a decent score, or dust those gladly forgotten recesses of memory and stir up a hornet's nest?
Bittersweet.
I took a breath and rubbed my eyes. I had been fighting for so long and the finish line was so close.
Finally, I saw.
Hmmmm. Not bad. Landed a few notches below expectations alright, but victory was mine.
And what was the loot from this battle? Distinction in 2 out of 3 subjects, one of them my favourite.
So while a part of me was chiding me for missing out on the third subject, every other sensibility wanted me to scream in joy.
I would have, if only the walls in my room could attach any significance to it.
So I sat down again; numb, cold and all alone.
Beep beep beep, the number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again later.
Mum was away and that had left me in the company of four beautifully stupid walls.
It was a weird day and had it not been for some 'get-your-mind-off-it talk' with a friend, I would have resorted to talking to my beautifully stupid walls. They have ears, I was told.
Like a scene from Bollywood movies, it had started to thunder and rain. I got up and walked out. I was not thinking. I mechanically carried out the actions of locking my door, walking out and starting my bike- just like Shahid Kapur in another Bollywood movie. Mentally, I was in another place, another movie.
Ice cold rain hit my face and lightning streaked the ink-blue evening sky. While people were running into the safety of bus stands, shops and stores, I hit main road. I loitered for one and half hour like that, on road, soaking wet. I remember waiting by my best friend's house for 10 minutes, never once thinking of going in. I wandered, destination unknown, just like Shahid.
It was late when I got home, and the constant downpour enveloped the city in an eerie sort of mood. I WANTED to feel better, I did not know how.
Called up my mother again, and this time she answered. Blankly, I gave out the details of my results, expecting a lukewarm response. Surprise surprise.
She was happy!
In all honesty, I had not seen that coming. But I'm glad it came, because now I knew what I could allow myself to feel. Too bad dear brain, you have to stop screening your movie.
Crazy day, that one. Crazier year.
I have stopped being furious at myself, one measly subject ain't vetoing my potential. I'm capable of being bigger and better. I would also like to point out, in my defense from myself, how much I HATE that one subject. Disgusting. Despicable. Dreadful and Dreary. Ewwww.
Yes, I feel so much better :P
At the end of the day, all said and done, I'm me. I bounce back with a Coefficient of Restitution equal to or greater than 1. Time for me to do just that.
Boing...boing....boing....boing...!
