Thursday, November 14, 2013

Cherophobia.

I've realised over a considerable span of time that this cyber-space that I call my 'blog' is simply my hideout. A place I retreat to after I turn my back against everything else. My blog is where all my junk is stashed.

This time, the junk comes in the shape of paranoia...well at least that is what people say it is. The overly critical sci-fanatic in me calls it Cherophobia: the phobia of happiness.
What sounds like blasphemy on face value is actually one of the most realistic things I have ever felt. Fear.
The few intermittent moment of happiness, choked into silence by fear, the fear that this too shall be gone.
As a medical student, it is now a second nature for me to go about segregating, simplifying and classifying any data. And based on the current data in hand, I'm an acquired cherophobic.

Acquired. Conditioned and developed over a period of time, not innately grounded. They've been giving us examples since 7th grade about conditioned reflexes. You get up when the teacher walks into class, you learn how to manipulate a knife and fork, the dog salivates when the bell is rung...I get scared when happiness comes my way. Because this entity called happiness is only a guest appearance that vanishes even before you are done applauding. It walks in casually, fools with your head and strolls out just as casually. Every miniscule thing that holds the potential to make you smile, is a ticking time-bomb that will leave a trail of destruction.

Everything I had loved, I have lost.
And that has left me stone-cold scared. Scared to smile, scared to get attached, scared to live. I hate having put myself into such a place, but now I'm neck deep into this bog.

Tomorrow morning, that little percentage of my old self will chastise me for this post but the slowly deteriorating larger percentage of me will win its case. Once again old Nida will want to laugh, play, paint and be awesome. Once again, new Nida will deny it.
Aaj phir dil ne ek tamanna ki,
Aaj phir dil ko humne samjhaya.



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