I do not want to be me anymore.
I want to become my own alter-ego.
Permanently.
All the things I stand for, all the things that I have always clung on to and every "ideal" I have tried to live by seems more and more meaningless as time time progresses. Being myself has not gotten me very far, neither has it made me any happier.
Now I want to be a bitch. A snob. I want to sedate my soul and lose all sense of accountability. I want a smile that can make me get away with murder, and a conscience that will allow it. I want a pretty face that can articulate the ugliest of words with radiant mockery. I want to feel pride. I want to manipulate, make low-lying. non-deserving humans scamper at my feet. Why shouldn't they? The universe revolves around me after all.
I want to walk on 4 inch heels. I want fancy bags and phones. And I want those crawling below me to steal guilty glaces in awe and trepidation. I want a life where my biggest concern is a broken nail. I want a life that I can fix by a manicure. I want my haircut, my clothes and my make-up to define me. I want to learn to find contentment in materialism. I want to be the focus of envy, to enjoy it even. I want to be fake, and believe it's real. I want to throw tantrums. I want to demand attention. I want to nag, oppress and suffocate. I want to want things. I want to be my top priority. I want the entire world to service my happiness and ensure my satisfaction.
I want all this because all other "acceptable" routes to happiness I have traversed in futility. What I believe as happiness doesn't measure for anything in the world as I see today. Today, I see laughter in a face that holds all the strings of a puppet. I see exultation in domination. I have discovered that contentment lies hidden within pride. I have observed that peace is achieved not by humility or honesty or sincerity but by demanding and dictating and destroying.
This is my final attempt in the pursuit of happiness. Masochism has failed me, maybe narcissism won't.
I want to become my own alter-ego.
Permanently.
All the things I stand for, all the things that I have always clung on to and every "ideal" I have tried to live by seems more and more meaningless as time time progresses. Being myself has not gotten me very far, neither has it made me any happier.
Now I want to be a bitch. A snob. I want to sedate my soul and lose all sense of accountability. I want a smile that can make me get away with murder, and a conscience that will allow it. I want a pretty face that can articulate the ugliest of words with radiant mockery. I want to feel pride. I want to manipulate, make low-lying. non-deserving humans scamper at my feet. Why shouldn't they? The universe revolves around me after all.
I want to walk on 4 inch heels. I want fancy bags and phones. And I want those crawling below me to steal guilty glaces in awe and trepidation. I want a life where my biggest concern is a broken nail. I want a life that I can fix by a manicure. I want my haircut, my clothes and my make-up to define me. I want to learn to find contentment in materialism. I want to be the focus of envy, to enjoy it even. I want to be fake, and believe it's real. I want to throw tantrums. I want to demand attention. I want to nag, oppress and suffocate. I want to want things. I want to be my top priority. I want the entire world to service my happiness and ensure my satisfaction.
I want all this because all other "acceptable" routes to happiness I have traversed in futility. What I believe as happiness doesn't measure for anything in the world as I see today. Today, I see laughter in a face that holds all the strings of a puppet. I see exultation in domination. I have discovered that contentment lies hidden within pride. I have observed that peace is achieved not by humility or honesty or sincerity but by demanding and dictating and destroying.
This is my final attempt in the pursuit of happiness. Masochism has failed me, maybe narcissism won't.
Assalamualaikum
ReplyDeleteCatharsis, eh? :) But I don't think that any of the superficial "happiness" can make up for the lessons life forces on you especially when things get tough. I say "forces" because I hated some of the unwanted advice life gave me. I wanted to escape. But you know what, it gives me inner peace to know that no matter how tough things are, I have not changed for the world Alhamdulillah . It's never easy but then you realise- you're stronger than you ever knew. And Allah s.w.t will never lay upon anyone a burden he/she cannot bear.
Anywayyyyyy...on the flip side, wouldn't your alter ego (if it's you we're talkin' about here) hate books and writing. :O :P
Walekumsalam!
DeleteHaha, not so much catharsis as early-onset midlife crisis :P
You're right. And brave (mashAllah!) However, I was only exploring my megalomaniac self, trying to push it out of quiescence, experimenting with an ill-formed hypothesis- all in the name of change. I'm replying to you here only because I have no clue where/how to begin my experiment :D
On the other side of that, my alter-ego would be in love with me. I'd like that :P
http://maflunctioningrobot.blogspot.ae/2014/09/i-coulda-been-contendah-but-that-damned.html?spref=twaa
ReplyDeleteWow. Whoa. Whoaaaaa.
DeleteDear malfunctioning-robot-who-insists-on-anonymity, this malfunctioning human is now a follower!
Umm... the post whose link I sent was NOT written by me ( my mistake). The writer of the above post is Zarina Khan aka Zee aka OwlieBird whose blog(malfunctioningrobot) I stumbled across through her sister Zeba Khan ( who is equally awesome!) I have provided a few more related links below. Mashallah these two sisters are some of the smartest , funniest, life-experienced people you will ever meet. Please do check out the links. Very sorry for the confusion. If you have any questions about Zarina or Zeba , please feel free to ask.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Links with keywords OwlieBird belong Zarina(who wrote the post you read) Links with keywords Zebasez, abezsez belong to Zeba https://mobile.twitter.com/OwlieBird https://mobile.twitter.com/Zebasez http://www.abezsez.com
Ahaanh. I see. I really did like that blog a lot, so thanks for bringing it to my notice! :)
ReplyDeleteDude. I want to be that girl too whose biggest concern becomes her broken nail because I've seen such girls. And trust me they have such awesome lives :p
ReplyDelete* They might have awesome lives but I think that's what sets us apart from them right? B-)
Arey I've seen girls cry over broken heels too! :P
DeleteSo when do we start? xP
Kya hai ki.
As soon as possible please xD
ReplyDelete