A Voice Amidst the Noise

It was dark, Her life. She liked it that way. She didn't choose it for Herself- no. She only accepted the hand she was dealt. The light was blinding now.
And in the darkness she heard sounds...voices. Low and heavy. Ominous and mind-numbing.
She prayed that they should stop, that She should find a few moments of peace within Herself. The sounds drove Her to paranoia. She would scream in silent agony and no one would listen.

One day She heard something odd. It wasn't the chilling voice of regret and lamination. It was a different timbre altogether, a low clear note that seemed to mask every other sound in Her head. It was a sound that demanded to be heard, a sound so sure of it's purpose that She could not overlook it.
So She heard.

"I swear, by the first ray of morning light..."

It made Her gasp. To think of the brilliant golden streak of sun shine piercing the ghastly blanket of darkness. Sitting in her room with all lights out, She gasped to think of the sheer power of one single ray of light to drive out a lifetime of living in the shadows. She gasped, wanting to hear more.

"And by the night when it covers with darkness..."

She knew the Voice was addressing to her, directly now. It was about Her life, and someone was swearing by it! She knew, deep within, what the Voice meant. And when the Voice swore upon the darkest portion of night, She couldn't wait to hear more.

"I have not abandoned you, neither have I detested you..."

It was just the thing She needed to hear: that She had not been forgotten, abandoned. But now She was thinking furiously. What WAS that Voice? How did it know exactly what to say? Could other people hear it too? With heightened anticipation, She craved to hear more.

"That which is in store for you in the Future, is better than your Present..."

New life was being poured into Her now. She was being purged of all Her self-loathing, of all the aching.
The Voice possessed the power of absolute surety. It was a Voice that could not shake, for every word it spoke was the Truth. The absolute Truth. The Voice showed Her promise of better times. Despite being Herself, She smiled

"I shall give you, and you will be satisfied..."

A floodgate of hope opened deep within Her. She was going to receive something, something that would elevate Her to the very summit of satisfaction, beyond which there was no scope for more. Was it something that She prayed for every single day? Was it something She could not even fathom? Was it something beyond Her meager imagination? The Voice seemed to affirm all Her questions.

Then something amazing happened. The Voice that was until now only speaking 'at' Her began speaking 'to' Her.

'Did I not find you lonely and give you refuge?"

Now she was perturbed. The Voice knew of Her loneliness? How much more did it know? And what did it mean by refuge? She knew now that this was serious business. Somebody had knowledge of every itsy-bitsy detail of Her life and also knew how exactly to tread upon precarious territory!

"I found you lost and guided you..."

Ye...yesss. She nodded.

"I found you in need and made you self-sufficient..."

She nodded harder. Visions clogged her mind. All Her achievements, all those awards and rewards, all those instances when people had looked at Her with eyes brimming with tears of pride. Yes...She had been needful, and She had found sustenance. With profound gratitude, She accepted that the Voice had given Her everything.

Once again, the Voice changed form. The low pitched Voice assumed a greater clarity and octave...the voice of someone giving out an order.

"So as for the orphan, do not suppress him..."

It all made sense now. The raging questions in Her mind were silenced. Once again, She only nodded.

"And as for the needy, do not repel him..."

Ofcourse! It made perfect sense! She was needy when the Voice sustained Her and imparted Her strength to walk ahead. Wasn't it only logical that She pass on the favour that was bestowed upon Her? She nodded.

"And as for My favours, report it."

The Voice died out with that final word. Report. As She snapped out of Her trance, the last piece in the jigsaw fell into perfect place with a click. A prayer song from Her school days came to Her mind. 'Count your blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done.'

It was her Lord talking to her all along.
Click.

Her Creator had spoken to her that day, through a Book she had read all her life but never in the right perspective. Her Creator had soothed her, like a mother pacifies her crying baby. Her Creator then highlighted His countless Blessings upon her. Then her Creator showed her the way out of the dark. Report my Favours. Acknowledge the Blessings and give thanks.

She learnt a valuable lesson that day. Her Lord was not displeased with her, despite her flaws. Her Lord was the Most Merciful. For this, she gave thanks. She knew she was grappling with hard times, but the promise of a better future gave her courage beyond measure. For this, she gave thanks.
She thought of the times she had been awarded with high worldly honours, she thought of the times her mother had praised her whole-heartedly. Smiling, she gave thanks.
She looked at her hands. People had told her she had pretty ones. People had told her those hands possessed great talent. For that, she gave thanks. There was SO MUCH to be thankful for!

Her mind was quietened now. Serenity enveloped her. The ominous noises made their quick getaway.
An alarm for the morning prayer went off, in sync with the call to prayer.

The first ray of light streaked across the pitch darkness of the sky. She rose to pray.





PS: This was my little interaction with Surah 93, Ad-Dhuha,  from the Quran.
The narrative of the 'Voice' is the meaning I have extracted from each verse of the Surah, and I regret any modifications/deviations from the original text and translation.

Silent Letters

And it hurts again. All over again. With renewed vigour, with feverish intensity- it hurts again.

Selflessness is a virtue that rests on the demolition of one's existence. Of course, four years back as I was typing my first blog article, I had no idea I would be writing about this someday.
Ta-daaaa. Four years later, that day is here.

Time. Now this guy is tricky. He is sly, shrewd and crooked. It flies when you are having fun. Soon enough, in slow motion, those very 'fun moments' end up as holes inside of you somewhere down the line. It took me four years to realize this: happy memories of the present only make for nasty scars of the future.
So it hurts. The constantly shadowing realization of all the time that was invested...and wasted. All the effort, the feelings, the prayers and the good will- all invested and wasted.

I'm a self critic, and on analyzing the girl who had sat down to type her first blog article, I see naivete. I see immaturity. Above all, I see the girl who lived by the ideals of selflessness. I laugh.
I chide myself for being who I am. The world ain't got no place for that.

I get attached. My Achilles' tendon lies right there, and if you were to target an arrow at it, I'd fall face-flat. I'm wired like that. To give and give and continue to give. Why? Because I get attached.
But not everybody is engineered that way. As a kid, I remember playing this super fun game called Lock and Key. Turns out, Use and Throw happens to be a more 'advanced' version of it. So how does that work?
Use when needed. Throw when not.
Attached when needed. Detached when not.

I do not make high and mighty claims of virtue, that is all bullshit. I just wish I got a milli from the millions I had put in. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for a little understanding, and a little comfort that says, "I'll be there for you?"
Is it too much to wish for a little value in return, for all those sleepless nights spent adding value to someone else's life?
Then again, I know the answers to all of that. It was all a game of Use and Throw. It was a game whose winning mantra rested on my Achilles' Heel. If you got that, the trophy was yours.

The knowledge of 'being replaced' is perhaps the most devastating. The feeling of not being needed, of not being important enough to be needed- that shit hurts. It does not hurt like a stab wound, it is a pain of the dull, throbbing variety. It is the pain that makes your eyes flood in those moments of utter loneliness. It is the pain that makes you choke, pain that makes you want to spontaneously combust. That shit hurts.
Kuch is tarah nazar andaaz hogaye Faraaz,
Jaise izaafi hurf the hum teri zindagi ki kitaab mein
(Nazar andaaz= Ignored; Izaafi hurf=Silent letters)

Loneliness is a silent killer. And Time is an accomplice.
While Loneliness is doing it's job of ripping you apart, all that Time that was unflinchingly devoted rubs on you like salt.
Even memories fade, thank God for that. But nothing fills those gaps- gaps which are a screaming testimony to the weakling you have been.
You will beg for Loneliness to kill you, and it will only grin and say "What's the hurry?"
It kills you fibre for fibre, cell for cell, breath for breath.

Which brings me back to my point: selflessness rests on the demolition of one's existence. Because to give and receive is how the trade runs, it is how the human lives; any deviation from that is a step towards inhumanity. So after 4 years of being a tissue that was trampled over, I know now when to pack my bags and leave. The mere gust of wind that brings news of being taken for granted will see me make my courteous exit. I have embraced for long enough. Now I only wish to escape.

In hope, that maybe now, it won't hurt so much.

                                           

Deeds and Destruction

That car in my parking is a dream that came true. A beautiful dream I dreamt as a teen- one day I would be a proud owner of that fancy car- Volkswagon Jetta. I struggled for it, I sweated it out. Worked two shifts at the hospital, ran a private clinic and never let my efficiency meter fall below a 100%. I love automobiles (just about anything on wheels for that matter) and when I lay eyes on that German beauty, I knew I wanted it. After 20 years of back-breaking dedication, it stands in my parking- a gleaming token of achievement.

Being a doctor, it is extremely important to maintain a social life, one that is mercifully devoid of lab-coats and needles. It was in one such social gathering that I met her, the person who was going to be my best friend from that very instant. The food was beyond excellent and the gathering was august. It started over a dinner-table debate, I vividly recall us having starkly opposite views on Stem Cell Research. We threw statistics and data in each others face all night, neither one showing signs of withdrawal. Every argument invited a counter-argument, every pro had a con. But as Fate was to have it, we were a match on that weird and unexplainable level.

That was a decade ago. Today, our hair is white and our teeth are perching precariously. But we're still the crazy doctors, still quarrelling over latest medical procedures and developments.

She punctured her car tyres today, drove them over shards of broken glass. She knocked on my door with that sheepish grin that always warned me of trouble. Well of course, she wanted my car!

I handed the keys over, literally placing the the love of my life in her surgical hands. I trusted her with it no doubt, but that car was very insignia of my life.

I walked out with her as she reversed my car and eased it out into the salty Californian air. It was one of those uplifting end-of-winter days; the sun bright and warm, the wind just about perfect and the last sheets of snow melting away. I couldn't help but smile wide and breathe deep. My house was on a cliff which provided me with the most breathtaking view of the Pacific Coast. I got lost in the ebb and flow, the foamy lather of the water as it lapped up the shore, the happy kids in bright swim-wear, the surfers and the divers...I had forgotten all about my friend and my car.

That's when I heard it. The sickening sound of tyres skidding over snow. Then a scream, a sound definitely that of my friend. The car had gone off-balance! It happened in a mili-second, my car ran right through the barricade and plummeted straight downhill. I watched it hurtling through space, my car and my best friend going down. And what lay at the foot? The Pacific.

Simple math. Chances of survival: Nil.

I could not take it. I knew I had to scream, but dear superior laryngeal nerve refused to depolarize my laryngeal muscles. I watched in slow motion as 20 years of my success and 10 years of my love fell into the shackles of destruction and death.

I shut my eyes in denial.

What I saw when I opened my eyes changed my life forever.

My car landed on flat ground with not more than some disfiguring indentation and shattered mirrors. My friend was knocked out cold and bruised, but alive.

It was a miracle, I knew in my heart it was a cheat-code from death itself. What else could have possibly pulled them out from the very clutches of destruction?

A wave of relief flooded me, almost in sync with the Pacific waters. I had never felt an emotion as strong as this. I was breathing faster and I was beyond myself with joy. I was only a second away from having it all taken away from me...and one second later, I knew it was all fine, the storm had passed. A dent here and a bruise there could be fixed...but no permanent damage had been done.

I had witnessed a miracle.

Now here's a little exercise:

Take that story and apply it to your life. The Jetta would be a good deed you have nurtured over a very long period of time.

That friend was a situation that compelled you to give up on that very deed.

The fall was God's fury in you.

But what made the car stop? If it was a punishment, why didn't it go through and through? What cushioned the blow?

Istighfaar.

In life, you mess up, you mess up real bad. Your car falls into a valley and all logic tells you its the last you will ever see of that beauty. A deed you were watering everyday begins to wither with time and you resign into hopelessness.

But then that 'fitrah' (conscience) in you that still holds good its covenant with God will scream in your head.

Acknowledge that you have been wrong, accept that you have royally screwed up and sinned, and THEN beg to be forgiven. Istighfaar.

In the moment you grasp the gravity of your sin and grovel for mercy in helplessness, God will look upon you with the highest level of affection: Rahem.

You are just an Istighfaar away from boundless Mercy. Do it now, save that car.

My Leibster!

I have been nominated for posts, I have made it to the final stages of competitions, I have won and I have lost. But this is a whole new experience- Blog Awards!

This is the Leibster blog award- for those with relatively obscure blogs having less then 200 followers. So what's the point here? The point is that recognition is the best form of motivation. This time, I got recognized by my dear dear dearest friend, who very graciously nominated me for the award!
Being nominated comes with some duties, some blog etiquette. The nominee is required to nominate 10 other bloggers who fit the bill, answer 10 general questions and pose another 10 for the nominees. None of this is a compulsion, it is fully voluntary.
Let's get started.

Sheema Ali of the mythoughtsreloaded fame. I love your blog to bits Shim. I love how it documents the nitty-gritty details about your life; some good, some bad and some ugly. We started blogging for very similar reasons, mostly motivated by the instinct to write. Today, I'm so super proud of you. Ye le tera award :P

Then there is my laddoo woman, Shonazee Aziz Somani. Borrowing Robert Frost's wise words, this girl talks about dreams, hopes and faith. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Life Goes On...
This girl writes effortlessly with precision that goes straight to the heart. Sense, Sensibility, Simplicity.
Le tereko bhi diya award :*

Sakshi Singh, of the beautifully titled blog: Rooh..
I love the use of photography in your posts, it adds so much 'rooh' to your writing! I don't quite know how you stumbled onto my blog, but I acknowledge you as one of my favourite followers. Being an active blogger needs time and energy, which leaves me in awe each time I see a new posts from you (which happens quite too often!)
My Leibster to you Sakshi, for such a diversified and genuine blog.

This is the problem with being such a selective blogger; I have only 3 nominees, when the requirement states 10. Can't help :P
Moving on to the fun part: the questionnaire!


1- Describe yourself in one word.
Sincere

2- Your favourite quote.
Fa inna ma'Al 'usri yusra (For indeed, with hardship will be ease)
Inna ma'Al 'usri yusra (Indeed, with hardship will be ease)
-Quran [94: 5,6]

3- Favourite book.
Can never name just one!
-Atlas Shrugged
-The Fountainhead
-Harry Potter series
-Dan Brown series
and a hundred million more...

4-  If you could live permanently in any decade, what would it be?
Lovely question!
I'm not too sure about the exact historical era, but it would definitely be during the 17th century, Italy. The era of Michelangelo, Bernini, Vasari and the likes, the decade of artistic revolution and some exceptionally creative minds. I'd probably have painted a fresco at St. Peter's Basilica for all I know :D

5- What place would you like to visit (free of cost?)
Free of cost? Outer space, fosho!

6- If you could have dinner with someone dead/alive, who would it be?
Anyone who'd pay the bill xD

7- A perfect evening is?
-Rain on the window pane, a book propped open on my lap, a mug of piping hot coffee. <3
-An evening spent talking to that one amazing friend, for hours...endlessly. <3

8- Share one thing that is on top of your bucket-list.
LIVE.

9- What motivated you to start blogging?
Ah, nice one. My blog came into being with one simple agenda: to write.
I had never fore-planned the course or the essence of my blog, it was only to be a channel for all that mumbo-jumbo in my head. Gradually things took their course and my  blog became more and more personalized. It was never created for publicity or propaganda.

10- What is the best part about being a blogger?
No one pronounces a 'verdict,' no one judges. Blogging becomes a getaway when the world shuts it's ears to you. A blogger's life is always catalogued, like a frozen frame captured in the mundane flow of life's events. So when you scroll through your blog life cycle, you'll realize how much you have been through and how much more is yet to come.

THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN! Here are my questions to those I nominated up there.

1- One personality trait you are proud of.
2- One personality trait you wish to replace.
3- Beauty vs Utility. What do you prefer?
4- What is your take on selflessness? Do you believe it exists in the world that we live in today?
5- Describe the Utopia you wish to see.
6- If you were granted a reincarnation of choice, you would be?
7- Earth. Air. Fire. Water. Your element, and why?
8- If you were to write a book, what genre would it be?
9- Your favourite word in the English language?
10- What does the fox say? xD

Get started bloggers!

Cherophobia.

I've realised over a considerable span of time that this cyber-space that I call my 'blog' is simply my hideout. A place I retreat to after I turn my back against everything else. My blog is where all my junk is stashed.

This time, the junk comes in the shape of paranoia...well at least that is what people say it is. The overly critical sci-fanatic in me calls it Cherophobia: the phobia of happiness.
What sounds like blasphemy on face value is actually one of the most realistic things I have ever felt. Fear.
The few intermittent moment of happiness, choked into silence by fear, the fear that this too shall be gone.
As a medical student, it is now a second nature for me to go about segregating, simplifying and classifying any data. And based on the current data in hand, I'm an acquired cherophobic.

Acquired. Conditioned and developed over a period of time, not innately grounded. They've been giving us examples since 7th grade about conditioned reflexes. You get up when the teacher walks into class, you learn how to manipulate a knife and fork, the dog salivates when the bell is rung...I get scared when happiness comes my way. Because this entity called happiness is only a guest appearance that vanishes even before you are done applauding. It walks in casually, fools with your head and strolls out just as casually. Every miniscule thing that holds the potential to make you smile, is a ticking time-bomb that will leave a trail of destruction.

Everything I had loved, I have lost.
And that has left me stone-cold scared. Scared to smile, scared to get attached, scared to live. I hate having put myself into such a place, but now I'm neck deep into this bog.

Tomorrow morning, that little percentage of my old self will chastise me for this post but the slowly deteriorating larger percentage of me will win its case. Once again old Nida will want to laugh, play, paint and be awesome. Once again, new Nida will deny it.
Aaj phir dil ne ek tamanna ki,
Aaj phir dil ko humne samjhaya.

Ending of the Beginning

Since the moment I hit 'Post' for the previous write-up, I've been hanging off a thread. Since the 22nd of August, I have been living in the shadow of some impending doom, some tragedy. Simply put, I was waiting for my results. I was waiting for the NTR University of Health Sciences to pass a verdict on me and on my capabilities.
It took awfully long to do so.
And when it finally DID, I had no clue what to feel.
So on the 9th of October, phone calls from excited friends told me "you did awesome!"
I could not bring myself to believe a word.
With heightened anxiety and slightly quivering hands, I turned on my computer and headed straight for the official results website.
Error 404: Server Unavailable.
Dammit!

I was getting frantic by the second. For the next hour, I received congratulatory calls from my people, which I returned with polite thank yous. In reality, I had no clue.

One and half hour later, at 4:31pm, I saw.

Saying 'I saw' would be incorrect though. I just stared with unfocused eyes. As my vision hit my total score, my body froze but my mind began to race.
I could not bring myself to comprehend my marks individually. All I could understand was that it was the sum-total of one whole year's effort of simply trying to stay...afloat. No, it wasn't because I found it difficult to study. On the contrary, I LOVED it. I enjoyed my subjects and my study.
It wasn't the demand of hard work, it was the circumstances, that got the better of me.
So all I could do, was sit and stare while my head played it's movie in flashback. I will not be ashamed to admit that my throat went dry and eyes went wet. What did my mind want me to do? Rejoice because I notched a decent score, or dust those gladly forgotten recesses of memory and stir up a hornet's nest?
Bittersweet.

I took a breath and rubbed my eyes. I had been fighting for so long and the finish line was so close.
Finally, I saw.
Hmmmm. Not bad. Landed a few notches below expectations alright, but victory was mine.
And what was the loot from this battle? Distinction in 2 out of 3 subjects, one of them my favourite.
So while a part of me was chiding me for missing out on the third subject, every other sensibility wanted me to scream in joy.

I would have, if only the walls in my room could attach any significance to it.
So I sat down again; numb, cold and all alone.

Beep beep beep, the number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again later.
Mum was away and that had left me in the company of four beautifully stupid walls.
It was a weird day and had it not been for some 'get-your-mind-off-it talk' with a friend, I would have resorted to talking to my beautifully stupid walls. They have ears, I was told.

Like a scene from Bollywood movies, it had started to thunder and rain. I got up and walked out. I was not thinking. I mechanically carried out the actions of locking my door, walking out and starting my bike- just like Shahid Kapur in another Bollywood movie. Mentally, I was in another place, another movie.
Ice cold rain hit my face and lightning streaked the ink-blue evening sky. While people were running into the safety of bus stands, shops and stores, I hit main road. I loitered for one and half hour like that, on road, soaking wet. I remember waiting by my best friend's house for 10 minutes, never once thinking of going in. I wandered, destination unknown, just like Shahid.
It was late when I got home, and the constant downpour enveloped the city in an eerie sort of mood. I WANTED to feel better, I did not know how.
Called up my mother again, and this time she answered. Blankly, I gave out the details of my results, expecting a lukewarm response. Surprise surprise.
She was happy!
In all honesty, I had not seen that coming. But I'm glad it came, because now I knew what I could allow myself to feel. Too bad dear brain, you have to stop screening your movie.

Crazy day, that one. Crazier year.
I have stopped being furious at myself, one measly subject ain't vetoing my potential. I'm capable of being bigger and better. I would also like to point out, in my defense from myself, how much I HATE that one subject. Disgusting. Despicable. Dreadful and Dreary. Ewwww.

Yes, I feel so much better :P

At the end of the day, all said and done, I'm me. I bounce back with a Coefficient of Restitution equal to or greater than 1. Time for me to do just that.

Boing...boing....boing....boing...!

MBBS-1

3 subjects. 6 papers. 9 days.

They told us it wouldn't be easy. They didn't tell us it would be this hard.

I walked out of college on the 22nd of July with a crisp hall-ticket tucked inside my bag, a motivational speech playing inside of my head. Yes, I was to appear for my 1st year Medical Examinations in less than 24 hours. Exams are challenging. I like them more because they are insightful, show you where you stand. This however was my pre-Med School ideology and I knew so little.

Rule #1 for clearing Med Exams: Kick sleep of out of the window and stack up on caffeine. Time is of the essence and you need to make sacrifices to buy it. Need to perfect the art of optimizing every passing hour and making it productive. The body wont like it. It'll begin to shut down your cognizance and each fibre will demand rest. Brew coffee, splash water, shut the drama and restart.

I've worked for 20 hours each day, for 10 days straight now. A simple voice saying 'fight, you're stronger than this.'

I had successfully coped with sleep issues for the first two papers- Biochemistry 1 and 2.

But if it was meant to be easy, it would not be called life.

It began as a little swelling in my otic canal. Before I knew, I was taken down by migraine followed by a ear ache that seemed to be ripping holes through my ear drum. Anatomy paper 1 one was sure to spell doom. The pain never subsided, and after handing out my answersheet for the day, I thought I was to collapse. Funnily, I couldn't even make time to visit the the doctor. I simply popped an antibiotic and smothered my ear with Soframycin. It was time for paper 2.

Antibiotics induce sleep. Don't we all know that? So yes, my second paper was to go down the drain too!

The anibiotic did what it was supposed to do, it relieved me of the pain. I just wont be able to guage the collateral damage I've suffered until I have my results in my hand.

Now with the pain subsided and my normal nocturnal cycle re-established, I had every reason to look forward to my favourite subject- Physiology.

Paper 1 was smooth as silk. A decent question paper, one that I did justice to. I think I smiled in response to a question paper for the first time. "Omg there was SO much to write! It just went on and on and on!"

There. I jinxed it. Life went "Aww, let's get your hand some rest sweety."

At 12:30am that night, I fractured my right wrist.

Hit it into a door bolt while making it out of my mom's room in utter darkness. Couldn't even yelp.

I decided it wouldn't be so bad and dismissed it...until I picked up a pencil to mark out an important line.

I could barely hold it.

The next two hours saw me sitting with ice-packs in one hand and a book in another. Desperately trying to train my hand into dexterity. Blue, swollen hands aren't the best of omens.

By 5 in the morning though, the ice seemed to have brought down the swelling. The pain only aggravated with forceful movements. I could just barely hold on to a pen.

Then Life belted out another joke.

Q. No 1: "Define Pain. Describe the pathway for pain sensation with a neat diagram."

Was I to laugh or cry or what?

I finished the entire exam. Still amazes me how, because even now my hand appears bruised. Because even now, this post is a left hand type out.

The last 10 days have left me fuzzled. I have bean bags beneath my eyes that could easily lodge a sleeping baby. My sleep cycles have been thrown haywire and the night seems to have lost it's sleep inducing effects.

But I feel relieved. I know that when I finally fall asleep, I will not have amino acids, livers and brains floating in my dreams.

Exams are challenging. They show you where you stand. And Iam glad with where I do. Irrespective of the outcome of these examinations, Iam proud of all that I achieved- even before I entered the exam hall each day.

3 subjects. 6 papers. 9 days. DONE.

*yawn*